I’m on the verge of relapsing. I need help.

It hurts. A lot. But it was something that I’ve been preparing for since last year. Even though my heart crushed, deep down I’m happy for you. Truly happy that you are now happy. And i approved him. I knew him but not that much, nevertheless he is a good man and I hope he can take care of you well. I wish both of you happiness and rahmah. Semoga semuanya dipermudahkan dan segalanya berjalan dengan lancar. I knew that my dream has ended but yours is alive and well. Semoga kebahagiaan buat kalian berdua selalu dan selamanya dunia dan akhirat. Amin. :)

Misery

Today I woke up from a dream that made my heart ached. After so many days that I tried to not thinking of you, us, our past; today my subconscious proven to still being haunted by you. It was a beautiful dream at first but it ended with me crying, realizing that I have lost you forever. The guilt is really deep rooted in me that I think I could never shake it off. I read your note for me last January and I did stop coming to your site ever since. But forgive me, I had to come and visit you today. I miss you, always. I know I shouldn’t  feel that anymore but I really can’t stop it. Anyhow, I’m so glad that you have so much positivity and happiness in your life right now. I’m truly am. I knew that my bad decision for us was indeed a blessing, at least for you. I couldn’t bear to stand in your chance to be happy and cherished. Hopefully you will stay happy with whoever you have in your life right now.

Take care my love.

I am so afraid of being alone. But i have no choice. I guess I might just die alone. :’(

Kamu masih hadir dalam mimpi mimpiku.
And i know i will have to live with this guilt forever.

It’s been awhile since I last posted anything. Almost 4 months now that I’ve been living abroad here in Netherlands. 

My insomnia is getting worse especially when i get too stress out with my studies. Somehow my darkness thoughts are buried deep so no apparent depression episode happen so far. But during the exam weeks last quarter I almost hit my limit. Even so, i’m getting better i think. Alhamdulillah i can survive now. 

I’m looking forward to the next couples of month ahead. Hopefully everything will be just fine. Amin.